The Eternal Search

Is it me? 

or

Is something actually missing?

I can't say for certain that I know what it feels like to not have this void within, this space, this sense of being haunted by something missing. I haven't found the answer yet, my journey continues. I've had moments of feeling complete, whole, so completely alive - so I know it exists in many forms and different types of moments and experiences. 

It dawned on me after a week or more of being frustrated with several experiences that a deeper sense of that ''something missing'' was present. Was it from the mis-connection I was experiencing with others, unfulfilling activities, my own feelings and needs I couldn't quite meet, a lack of something, too much of something else. 

What whispers of the heart and Soul wasn't I hearing or dismissing? The sinking sense of disappointment always seemed to be at the end of every experience with or without my trying.  This indicated to me another round of deep dive, deep and quiet contemplation, of questioning, accepting, sitting with and allowing the answers to arise however they may. 

At this time I had a biofield tuning session with an energy therapist and before we got started we had a brief chat. In this chat it was mentioned by the therapist that she had recently had a haircut but that she could never find a hairdresser that could cut her hair the way it needed to be cut. Yup, I've had those experiences even with my long thick wavy hair that can hide the worst of haircuts. Usually I wouldn't respond with complete authenticity to such mention in a conversation, I would concur with the other, offer half hearted empathy that I also had such experience to relay my relatability and then leave it at that.

However...

This time I thought I would try on ''being myself''. This was my perfect lead in to respond with sharing my insights of ''something missing'' in many of my own experiences - not just haircuts - and not to be misinterpreted as my being critical but rather an expanding on a point, a moment usually skipped over, a glimpse into what (I suspect) everyone experiences but don't talk about a great deal in this frame of context. 

So here I ask you to contemplate for yourself. Are you really, truly, deeply satisfied, satiated, at peace with, consumed with satisfaction of ''that was it, that's what I wanted to feel, see, experience, need, that's what I'm seeking, they got it, I got it'' in that moment, in every moment or as many consecutive moments as possible?  

I further shared that in all the different types of sessions with different healing modalities and therapists, something was always missing for me. I loved every session I've ever had and always get a new insight for myself. BUT! 

That doesn't mean it gave me all I needed or wanted for my presenting issue for the session. There was a gap, something I wanted more of, or couldn't get get to in the session or didn't receive what I wanted from the therapist or they misunderstood what I was needing or they gave me what they thought I needed. And I would leave with a smile on my face, verbalise my gratefulness and with silent disappointment in my heart.

This is not to say the modalities or therapists are not competent, qualified or experienced but rather that what I'm seeking for in this world of healing is not yet readily available to me to deeply experience with another that existential euphoric somatic sense of connection, wholeness, completeness, fullness, ecstatic aliveness and being completely gotten by another, by myself, by this world.  

And yes I'm very aware that true connection is from within. I want to make clear that it is also valid that what others offer you can sometimes highlight something is missing for true connection. 

To side-track for context...My first conscious realisation of articulating this sense of ''something missing'' was a few years back when I walked out of a grocery store and wasn't able to complete my shopping experience in the store with all the items I wanted on my shopping list. I actually have to shop at 3 or 4 different grocery stores to get all my items I need and want.  So that got me thinking, ''these large organisations and even small ones never ask me what couldn't I get from them that I actually wanted to be a satisfied customer?". 

Yes I do realise that businesses, professionals and practitioners are not able to satisfy every customer - that is a whole other contemplation/discussion with nuance and that is not quite what I am portraying - this is rather to provide an example that most can relate to for the sake of this story. 

Another side note, in Human Design my signature is anger or peace - so in a way it is that deep sense of peace I'm searching for. That all can be at rest now, at ease, all is whole, all is where it needs to be, nothing more is missing and I can carry on. 

Consider - in all your moments with another, or even yourself - do you really get that deep inner sense of connection, did your needs get met, did your expectations or desires get met, did you actually get what you wanted? 
Is the answer coming from your mind, the people pleaser pretender and polite default social program response mechanism you have or deep within your body? 

OR...

Did you just tolerate, tolerate what you are so used to tolerating that you have never questioned if it is really really really what YOU wanted in that moment, in your life, to feel whole, heard, seen, felt, full, alive?
Are you used to not truly getting what you want or desire from life, from another, from your own experiences or yourself? 

Here is the spark of insight I did get from this session. 

The key insight from this interaction of the biofield tuning session was when the multi modality therapist mentioned tuning into my body (self muscle/energy testing) in my own time at home when I needed to ask any question related to what was right for me - i.e. food, a feeling, a sensation, a thought, an activity, or anything at all. 

The question of - ''is it mine?" was offered as another question for me ask. As in is the thought mine, is the feeling mine, is the need mine, is the desire mine, is the what I'm seeking mine, is the what I'm missing actually mine? In simple terms, not everything you experience or feel is actually yours. That is another topic to delve into on its own. 

So I asked myself the question of "is this feeling of what is missing or what I think I'm looking for actually mine?". All I can say for now is that a sigh, a slight sense of relief was present in my body. I take note of this as a clue of sorts. 

You see there is an morphogenetic, positional, biofield, causal or knowing field that we are all contained within and connected to. It can also be referred to as the collective conscience, the aether, prana, chi/qi, unified field, harmonic resonance of the universe and the list goes on.

Sometimes what you think is your need, your thought, your feeling, your desire is not yours at all but that of someone (or something) else either within your family or those around you or even from those that came before you. 

Then...it dawned on me to ask the question of ''who or what is missing for someone else?''.

This is a question that is asked in the modality of Family Constellations. I had never asked myself this question before in such a way. I've been wondering around in life with the sense that something in me or my life is missing. Could it be that I am the symptom bearer of someone forgotten or something that didn't get reconciled or acknowledged for a member of my family or those that came before me? 

In the Holistic Counselling course for Family Constellations, I created a piece of art with seashells depicting my family tree. It took quite a few shells and planning to fit the pieces onto a canvass - as you can see lots of people in the family image below (more about my autobiography here).

In doing this exercise I made sure everyone in the family was included, needing to clarify and ask my parents and extended family for extra information and to ensure I included those that had passed, those that didn't get birthed, those that didn't stay in the family for whatever reason.  In Family Constellations, a primary principle is "all those who belong, belong". Every soul belongs to the family soul/family conscience. 

Could it be that someone is missing in my family soul? Are the the symptoms I'm experiencing of ''something missing'' isn't me or mine, but rather is someone or a moment of the what happened missing in the family conscience? 

In Family Constellations, often if someone is excluded, passed on tragically/suddenly, miscarried or forgotten it can leave a wound in the family system. This wound is then felt by someone in the next generation as a means for acknowledgement, a healing of the tragedy, a healing movement or words of reconciliation to be said so the family conscience and all family members belong together in harmony (in the morphogenetic field) once again.  

I am pretty sure that I have included every Soul in my family tree art. However this doesn't mean creating this art of my family of origin brings me wholeness or fill that eternal gap within. The remedy required is more nuanced and to be facilitated by a trained Family Constellations practitioner. 

So what do I do with these questions of ''what is missing'' or ''who is missing?". 

I sit with it, I don't chase answers, I don't avoid whatever comes up, you could say it's like asking the question to your Soul and the Family Soul - then waiting to be offered guidance from within or from another. I stay in contemplation for my Soul to offer me any insights or movements - whenever and however that may come about. 

At this time I am still in this contemplation. I have an upcoming session with my counselling teacher in the next few weeks and she is a specialist in Family Constellations. I aim to present this to her in my session and we shall see where it goes. 

Until then...

xo Kylie

17/10/2024