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Who are you without your story?
Freedom is on the others side of what I resist.
Doing The Work on Myself
You can watch many video's on YouTube and even subscribe to Byron Katie's podcast where you will hear first hand of how this process is used by others.
There aren't many healing modalities where you get free availability to experiencing, observing how a technique works and how others use it.
It is rare to see in full a healing method that is free, public and with full transparency. I love that.
Who do I Judge?
It shouldn't be a surprise to hear that I have an inner critic - and so do you. Anyone that says that they don't have this inner critic or don't judge others - you may need to fact check that.
Ignoring our judgements actually contributes to our bypassing of reality. It keeps us in an illusion, this illusion brings suffering - you can disguise it all you want - this disguise is inauthentic and justifiably a mechanism of survival mode. It's ok, you are not alone.
This disguise can be seen and/or felt by others and bypasses your ability to really experience and meet your own reality. This bypassing of reality keeps us in patterns of being stuck, unfulfilled, feeling less than joyful at all times and so much more.
So here I share with you an example of one of my own Judge Your Neighbour worksheets so you can see that I too judge others and how I work through this to get to the other side.
I Judge My Neighbour
In this example I demonstrate a worksheet that I did on my husband.
As you read through my example, put yourself in one of your own situations and be honest with how you really are vs who you think you are.
In this situation, who angers, saddens, or disappoints you and why?
I am disappointed with Matt because he takes over my ideas and projects and he should know not to do that.
Read more here...
The Four Questions
Is it true? Yes
Can I absolutely know this is true? No, I can't know it is absolutely true he does this. Is he taking over or wanting to contribute/help?
How do I react, what happens when I believe this thought? It makes me frustrated, angry, furious. I feel let down, unheard, manipulated, resentful, upset, annoyed, mad, impatient, irritated and very reactive.
Who would I be without this thought? Hmm, I could be ok with the situation however it goes; able to let Matt contribute and help me.
The Turnarounds
To the self: I take over my ideas and projects - sometimes my projects need more time but I don't let that happen; sometimes I am too controlling with my ideas and projects.
To the other: I take over Matt's ideas and projects - yes I can see that there are times I have done that or even tried to stop his ideas and projects because I'm not on board with them yet.
To the opposite: Matt doesn't take over my ideas and projects - not all the time; I just think that he does; it feels that way; I think that he does that all the time but it's not actually true.
2. In this situation, how do you want them to change? What do you want them to do?
I want Matt to respect me and let me lead my ideas and projects and we do them together.
Read more here...
The Four Questions
Is it true? Yes, I do want that.
Can I absolutely know this is true? Hmm No, not really (it's not true all the time).
How do I react, what happens when I believe this thought? I get mad, angry, frustrated, annoyed...(similar to Q1)
Who would I be without this thought? Hmm I'd be more peaceful, easy going, curious, mellow, appreciative, allowing, flexible, receptive etc.
The Turnarounds
To the self: I want me to respect me and let me lead my ideas and projects - there are times when I have ideas but actually do want someone else to do the work for me; there are other times I don't even respect my myself or my projects to lead them appropriately or with respect; sometimes I don't even respect that I'm able to lead my own projects and give up.
To the other: I don't respect Matt's ideas or let him lead our projects - without me; there are times I take over or manipulate the project to go my way; I don't take the time to understand Matt's ideas or projects with ease or adventure; in all honestly I can see that I try to control all the projects we do and how they get done.
To the opposite: Matt does respect me and let me lead my ideas and projects with his help. Hmm - there are times I have had an idea, shared it with him and he generously helps and lets me lead with the ideas; sometimes I think he is taking over but he is actually doing the work to fulfil my idea and I berate him for that.
3. In this situation, what advice would you offer to them?
Matt should understand my style is different to his and respect my needs.
Read more here...
The Four Questions
Is it true? Yes
Can I absolutely know this is true? No, not really.
How do I react, what happens when I believe this thought? (same as Q1 @ 2 - you will notice a pattern of similar reactions as you go through the worksheet statements, it's helpful to see the range of reactions and emotions you have stored within for what you may have considered a small insignificant judgement or belief).
Who would I be without this thought? Well I would be relaxed, at ease, peaceful, gracious, patient, tolerant and embrace the moment however it goes.
The Turnarounds
To the self: I should understand my style is different to Matt's and respect my needs - often I don't do this. I expect others to understand me but I don't even bother at time to understand my own style and needs.
To the other: I should understand Matt's style is different to mine and respect his needs - often I don't do this; I take over, get dominant or blame him for not understanding me and underappreciate his style.
To the opposite: Matt shouldn't understand my style is different to his or respect my needs - if he doesn't know how to or doesn't want to (I can't make him do that, that's dominating/manipulation). It is my job to understand my style and that it is different to his.
4. In order for you to be happy in this situation, what do you need them to think, say, feel or do?
I need Matt to step back, let me lead and enjoy it when I take charge.
Read more here...
The Four Questions
Is it true? Yes, I do want him to do that
Can I absolutely know this is true? Hmm No not really, not all the time anyway. So No.
How do I react, what happens when I believe this thought? (see Q3)
Who would I be without this thought? Well all the reactions are getting tiring so I'd really like to experience myself be free, happy, easy going, helpful, supportive, welcoming, satisfied and at peace with myself and the situation.
The Turnarounds
To the self: I need my thoughts to step back, let me lead and enjoy it when I take charge - sometimes my thoughts take over and dominate and I don't take charge properly, I'm passive and doubtful then unhappy with the results.
To the other: I need to step back, so I can let Matt lead and enjoy it when he takes charge. Yes, sometimes I step in, dominate, take over, hold up the project, blame him for taking over ''all my projects'' instead of me stepping back and letting him do what he is naturally good at. I could offer suggestions or contribute in other ways that he is receptive to. Hmm...
To the opposite: I don't need Matt to step back, let me lead and enjoy it when I take charge - because sometimes I want him to lead anyway; sometimes I have an idea but then lose the energy to execute but he has the energy to do that; sometimes he is a better leader of my idea than I am if I don't have the skills to execute the project; sometimes my idea is just that, an idea for him to execute because he can and wants to make me happy.
5. What do you think of them in this situation? Make a list. (Be petty, and judgemental.).
Matt is overbearing, inconsiderate, pushy, impatient, crowding me.
Read more here...
The Four Questions
Is it true? Hmm No, not really. I just think he is that way.
Can I absolutely know this is true? No, it's not absolutely true at all.
How do I react, what happens when I believe this thought? (see Q3)
Who would I be without this thought? I would be FREEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! Happy, easy going, enjoyable, more cheerful, pleasant, humble and gracious and just plain peaceful.
The Turnarounds
To the self: I am overbearing, inconsiderate, pushy, impatient, crowding me. Yes I'm all these things at times and even towards Matt - it's true.
To the other: My thoughts about Matt are overbearing, inconsiderate, pushy, impatient, crowding me - oh yes they are.
To the opposite: Matt is not overbearing, inconsiderate, pushy, impatient, crowding me. Matt is kind, modest, helpful, considerate, gentle, patient, offers me space and time. Yes he really is all those ways more than I give him credit for - because my thoughts tell me otherwise at times and I believe my thoughts.
6. What is it about this situation that you don't ever want to experience again?
I don't ever want Matt to take over my ideas or disrespect my needs.
Read more here...
Here we replace the words "I don't ever want to..." with ''I am willing to..." and "I look forward to..."
Until you can look forward to all aspects of life without fear, your Work is not done!
I am willing to let Matt take over my ideas and disrespect my needs to lead.
I look forward to Matt taking over my ideas and disrespecting my needs to lead.
Note:
Say the above statements for your own worksheet out loud to self, breath, feel all the body sensations and any old emotions that arise - all emotions are welcome - allow them space, let them out - these stored emotions are your suffering, breath. If you need, keep saying the statements out loud until you feel the power of the words charge all the way through your body.
Visualise possible future situations where you are 'willing' and 'look forward' to take on this new possibility for yourself and your own situation. This can be quite confronting depending on the situation you use for your worksheet.
Can you allow in new space for possibilities of being that you were resisting? To allow reality to exist as it is rather than control or manipulate it? Notice how it is in your body.
Freedom comes about when we allow ourselves to release the pent up feelings and emotions and explore the thoughts that control our reality.
What did I notice for myself?
Read more here...
I noticed within myself how controlling and dominating I am and that I want my ideas and projects to go my way. If they don't, I have child like reactions, blame him or give up because I feel overtaken.
This dismisses the generosity and contribution that Matt could make to our projects or my inviting him in to my ideas and we work on a plan together - and enjoy the process of that.
I can see the way I have been in the past has been presenting my idea, expecting him to see all the details and images in my mind and then I get short with him because he asks questions or jumps to execution before I'm ready. His style, visioning, ideas are different to mine. I can find a way to work with that.
I can also work on my communication (Informing as per Human Design) and be open to his willingness to contribute and desire to fulfil my idea by executing the project. I'm accountable for how I show up for this.
For statement/question 6 - this is where it hits home. Saying the statements out loud, brought about strong feelings of compressed over decades for similar scenarios - all the way back to childhood. I let myself/ my body do what it needed to do - feel all the frustration, sadness, grief to rise up and through my body, tears and all. This is what I was resisting - the feeling of these emotions to be expressed - because they have been there for so long. Once I let these feelings exhaust their charge within me, I take a break and do something nurturing or soothing. Then let the The Work do it's work on it's own within you.
True Story as a result of The Work
Read more here...
What I have noticed is that for a few recent projects that were my idea there was a new space of ease with offering my idea and letting Matt run with it or contribute his own ideas to it. In fact a recent project was to put a folding seat on our front fence so we could sit in the sun with a cuppa.
I had the idea, showed him a few pictures. He came up with the 'how to' and well... I let him go with it, I added a few more of my own considerations as we went and we didn't have any arguments (this is rare on such projects - but hopefully a new normal for us). I brought trust, an openness to see how it would go, flexibility as we went.
We love sitting on this bench seat together. He loves that it makes me happy to see my idea come alive, I love that he was able to experience fulfilment of making something at home. It was a surprisingly enjoyable process to do this together with both of our strengths of how we lead projects around the home.
The Work - Father (49 min)
The Work - Mother (20 min)
The Work - Cancer (48 min)
"It's not your job to like me; it's mine." Byron Katie
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